The Only Crypto Strategy You Need

A Beginner's Guide to the Shitcoin Sammy Spray and Pray

What’s up, my fellow degenerates? I’m coming at you with a no-nonsense guide to

making it in the wild world of crypto. My name is Shitcoin Sam, Sam for short, but here’s

the thing – I’m not some expert who spent years learning about market trends, technical

analysis, or even basic financial literacy. Nope, I’m just a guy who reads a couple of

memes, buys a bunch of random altcoins, and prays to the crypto gods of eden. And

guess what? That’s the strategy.

Years ago, when I broke into crypto, I spent countless hours scrolling Twitter (Now X)

hoping to find the next 1000x token. I would dump $1000 or so into each coin tweeted

by some no name scam artist hoping to hit big. Now I have a MetaMask full of the

shittiest coins imaginable with absolutely no shot of making me a profit. Maybe one day

I will get lucky though. It only takes one!!!!

So, let’s dive into why you should stop wasting your time with charts and complex

strategies. All you need is a little bit of gut instinct, a sprinkle of FOMO, and the sweet,

sweet knowledge that if something has a logo that looks like a spaceship, it must be

going to the moon.

Step 1: Don’t Do Any Research (Seriously)

You’ve probably heard some crypto bros talk about “research” and “due diligence.” Pfft.

That’s for nerds. Who cares if the coin has no use case? Who cares if the team behind

it is just a guy named Brock and his dog, Mr. Brockington? If it’s got a solid name like

TrumpCoin or WenmoonmonsoonCoin, you buy it. End of story.

Look, you could spend your days on CoinMarketCap and scroll through Reddit threads

to try and figure out which project is the next big thing, but that’s time better spent on X

or Discord groups where you can find the latest altcoin gems. Let the hype and the

memes be your guide. It’s like following a treasure map drawn by a toddler, but

sometimes, just sometimes, you might find buried treasure.

Step 2: Follow the Hype Train

Now, here’s where the real magic happens: Hype. Crypto is built on it. It’s like the

adrenaline rush of being at the edge of a cliff – except the cliff is made of your hard-

earned cash, and the jump is a coin with a picture of a unicorn on it.

You’ll find the hype train on X, Telegram, or that one Discord server where everyone’s

shouting"TO THE MOON!" Buy in early, hold for a few days, and if it doesn't moon

immediately, just scream “long-term hold” to comfort yourself. No one really knows what

that means, but it sounds reassuring.

When the hype dies down and your altcoin is down 80%, just remember: there’s always

a new shiny object around the corner. Rinse and repeat. Pro tip: Make sure you join

every degenerate crypto discord channel you can find. There’s bound to be one winner

posted in those. No, I am not joking.

Step 3: Don’t Sell... Unless You’re Panicking

When your altcoin’s value starts plummeting faster than a SpaceX rocket with a broken

parachute, don’t sell. Why would you sell when you could buy more? The key to

success is the average down. If your coin is worth 0.0001 of a penny, buy a whole

bunch more at 0.00009! (NFA) It’s all about believing that someday, the market will

wake up and realize that your coin was revolutionary – it’s just a little ahead of its time,

like every great artist who’s unappreciated during their lifetime.

However, if your altcoin becomes a complete dumpster fire, don’t panic! Panic-selling is

for amateurs. Hold through the crash and remember that you’re “playing the long

game.” Eventually, you’ll be telling your grandkids about that one time you bought a

token called AstroElon and they’ll think you’re a hero (Please god let it go back up).

Step 4: Get Distracted by New Shiny Coins

Don’t get too attached to any one coin. Crypto moves fast, my friend. Blink and you’ll

miss the next meme coin that’s promising to revolutionize the world of cat memes.

Never mind that it has a market cap of $100,000 and zero functionality. If it has a cute

logo, it’s probably going to pump. Buy it. Buy them all (NFA).

It’s like shopping in an endless crypto store where everything is on sale, and you can’t

resist the impulse buys. Just don’t bother with understanding why any of these projects

exist. If it looks cool and sounds cool, it’s cool. Boom, you’ve got a portfolio that looks

like the stock section of your random uncle’s closet after one too many tequila shots at

Thanksgiving.

Step 5: Remember: You’re an Early Adopter

Here’s a little secret: if you’re holding onto a bunch of coins that went to absolute zero,

it’s okay. Just keep telling yourself you’re an “early adopter.” Sure, maybe you’re the

only one holding onto $50,000 worth of "Telcoin" that’s worth about the same as a used

napkin, but one day, your time will come. The market will recognize your genius.

And if it doesn’t? Well, at least you’re having fun, right? And if you really want to

impress your friends, just call it “diversification.” Even though the only thing you’re

diversifying into is unmitigated risk.

Final Thoughts: Embrace the Chaos

At the end of the day, crypto is all about embracing the chaos and having a good time

while riding the wild roller coaster of the market. So, no, I don’t spend hours reading

whitepapers or consulting technical charts. I’m too busy enjoying the rush of watching

my portfolio look like a horror movie, but hey – one day, I might be the guy who got in

early on “OCEAN PROTOCOL.”

Until then, remember: never take financial advice from someone who calls themselves a

crypto genius, and always, always make sure your altcoin has an amazing logo. If the

logo is elite, the moon is just one good pump away.

Good luck, fellow apes! See you on the moon (or, more realistically, back at the deposit

page on my phone).

— Shitcoin Sam